?

Log in

No account? Create an account
frame by frame [entries|friends|calendar]
rottenraisins

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

안녕 / annyeong [December 15, 2015 | 10:23 AM]
I don't know who still reads this space but I just thought to leave a note here for courtesy's sake. This space remains a vulnerable part of myself that I wish nobody would find. But I'm too lazy to privatize the entries that I want privatized.

I figure that I should leave it out so that someday, someone, anyone would find comfort that I, a person crushed a person who loved her for someone she loved (who didn't love her back), lived and am happier than I ever was. My last entry was a happy one and nothing has changed.

Wait - things have changed a lot: I am now running a business with Thomas, we got a condo apartment together, I've put on a lot of weight, I am happier than I was in that last entry. I can now confidently call Thomas my better half because he really is. No matter how much I used to love Bear or Julius or someone else (I can't even remember their names), they were never the better half because I was the better one.

I don't regret everything that was documented here, though. So that's that!

I mainly use this space now for omonatheydidnt and no longer write here. Byebye!

I love you, deux [September 16, 2012 | 06:35 PM]
Today was the first time I brought Thomas to an event as my plus-one, it was great.
Better than great, he made sure I balanced in my heels walking from the uneven ground carpark to the venue and he was all sorts of charismatic with the people I said hi too.
I went about my business and he was always there with me and it was great. I love him for standing next to me while I did what I had to do. I love him for holding me when I had a little too much to drink on a weekend afternoon, woot!), and being all sorts of friendly with my friends. I love him :) I love him so much I am smiling writing this, light headed but all too conscious to recognize that this is love.

We are still undefined but when I couldn't answer the executive chef if Thomas was my boyfriend or husband, he stood up to the chef to tell him that he is my boyfriend. I'm not happy because he identified himself as my boyfriend, I am happy because for once, FOR ONCE, someone bothered to stand up for me, to get me out of this awkward situation.

I had been handling such awkward situations for more than a year and though I hate it, I handle it well. Nobody bothered about how I felt - was I hurt from their innocent question? Was I hurt from men's non-replies? Was I hurt behind my PR-smiles? Nobody bothered.

For once, someone appeared from my side to say "Yes, I am her boyfriend. I am Thomas, nice to meet you." While rubbing my back while I was smiling awkwardly.

I am so grateful that he did this for me. He didn't have to and I won't overthink this because it was a great gesture. I'm just thankful he did this for me and I love him. I love him so much for doing this for me.

so undeniably your's; as long as i'm losing it so completely [April 26, 2012 | 11:27 PM]



50% Friends-Only Entries.

as an exchange to read mine,it's not too much for me to read your's. (:
don't take it to heart if I don't add you back,it's nothing personal really.

say wha?
add me first before you ask to be added

alternatively, Follow Me
I tweet like a twitterbird on crack.

----

To view the older public entries, login to Livejournal before viewing my journal.


Also on helloinfinite.tumblr.com

New Found Date-peeve [September 01, 2011 | 12:42 AM]
I am posting here for fear that I hurt anyone. And by anyone I mean the guys I might see in future.

Remember how I said the number one turn-off factor is when a guy talks non-stop/nag/talk nonsense? I have found a new one that tops that.

I cannot date men who rant to me expecting that I, err, console them. I feel nothing for my guy friends who rant to me because thankfully, I don't date them. So, though they may be boys, they are actually "girlfriends" to me which makes it fine for them to rant to me.

So this is rather new to me because I have never felt such extreme disgust and annoyance when a guy rants to me. I don't remember dating any guy that would complain to me or rant to me unless I prod. Hard.

So today, this guy that I was gonna see starts RANTING to me about how his colleague has been pissing him off the whole day and he doesn't like it. And like an Alpha Female would say, "Ask him to fuck off and (you) don't get too bothered by it." And honestly, at this point, I felt like this conversation could have been between Kellyn and I, or Jeslyn and I, only it isn't because it is between me and some guy I was about to date.

Like it wasn't bad enough, he then tells me he can't do that cus though he's pissed "but I still care bout how the other party feels," when I asked him to tell the guy to fuck off and not get too bothered by it.

Okay, quick analysis here:

1. Guys don't say that. Please correct me if I'm wrong. No, don't bother, I am not interested to know how many guys with small dicks you know. It is just not something I want my husband to say. Or behave. Or do. Or have (small dicks).

2. My female friends don't say that. Not even the normal, nicer ones.

3. Manliness aside, I want to know, why would ANYONE let someone insignificant bother them at all? I mean, that person is just a colleague, not even a friend! How is a colleague capable of affecting your emotions? In what manner? How? Please enlighten me. Unless it is pure stupidity you cannot stand, otherwise I don't think I can understand this at all.

Which was exactly my point, so I asked, "Why should you care if he isn't your friend" (No question mark because I truly can't be fucked)

He then replies me a long chunk "I can't bring myself to do it. What I usually do is give a face and ignore the person. Which is what I'm doing to him. Now all I can do is walk away for a breather before I see his face again."

... Which you could probably tell is the last straw for me.

Okay, first things first...

1. You rant to me (regardless of sex), I will give you a solution. I give you a solution, problem solved. By problem solved I mean shut up. If you don't want a solution, don't rant to me. Seriously.

2. Never thought I'd be able to apply this to myself because this is what I always, always tell my girlfriends (I always tell them that boyfriends are for fucking, girlfriends are for problems. What for create problems by 'sharing problems' with your boyfriend when you're gonna get pissed he isn't listening and he gets pissed cus you refuse his solution? It will never end) and now it's kinda like a vice versa thing: I am for fucking and all things wonderful, just don't rant to me, go to your guy friends. Have a beer. Do whatever you want and come back problem-less. Write a diary (and don't let me see it).

3. You have got to be fucking kidding me. If you have a pair of balls, you honour them by being a man. Man up and tell the guy to fuck off, what is so tough that you "can't bring yourself to do it"? If you remain on friendly terms with the guy that annoys you all the time, you have only yourself to blame. It is your choice to be nice, therefore you pay for your mistakes by letting the guy annoy you, so you suck thumb and DON'T RANT TO ME BECAUSE YOU PAY FOR YOUR MISTAKES. DON'T DRAG ME INTO IT.

... Spent an hour plus on the phone with a dear friend to tell him all of these and all he said was, "I think you're too manly for the guy."

What am I to do to land up with a manly man??????????

[July 02, 2011 | 04:10 AM]
I am supposed to feel sad about julius because some things remind me of him, but I don't.
I am supposed to feel sad about certain people, but I don;t.

When v brought up bout the oil plants, I remembered you talking intently bout the oil plants.
You beaming as I look at you in awe because I can never understand how anybody would know as much as you.

I smiled to myself with that thought the same way I did when I giggled at you telling me bout the plants seriously, how other oil companies would be gloating when one plant has the fire burning more fiercely than the rest.
I wanted to tell v and zihao what I knew bout the plants, what you told me, but I didn't.

As much as I'd like to think that July is a great time for new beginnings, I guess I can't ignore the fact that I've really missed you.
I am mad that you'd think I made use of you. I am mad that you're hot and cold.

And because I feel like I have big balls tonight, I'll admit here that I really, really missed you.
You make me happy. You make me laugh a lot. I am not making use of you, never have, never will.

Do you remember? [June 23, 2011 | 04:31 PM]
Remember the person who betrayed me with his bunch of loser friends and girl? I remember all of your names. In full. I don't do revenges but you did not spare me a little sympathy when I was on my knees. You took me for granted. You took a person as great as myself for granted and so you reap what you sow. I don't dirty my hands and I don't ever want to cross paths with you.

I will assure you that you will be humiliated the way you humiliated me, but I won't be the one doing the dirty job. 

I told you to remember my name, did you?

Dream [March 21, 2011 | 12:49 AM]
Something so terrible shouldn't go onto my Tumblr.

I haven't had a dream this bad in a very long time, and this is my first time waking up in tears followed by a good 10 minutes of non-stop sobbing. Crying because of a dream is just lame but it felt too real. The situation wasn't real, but the emotions were.

A summary of the dream is:
Julius and I rushed and caught the hotel lift to our room because we decided to go get our stuff first while our friends linger at the lobby for check-in and toilet etc. When we reached, I headed out of the lift first and hurried back because I saw 3 assassins (in suits, men-in-black style) guarding the corridors like they were expecting us. I whispered to Julius about the situation, he decided to head out first while I follow behind him.

We were seized and two groups of men tended to us. One group with a mature man (about 50 years old) as the boss held Julius as hostage, while another group held me and the boss was our friend who came to the hotel with us. Our friend sneaked away when all of us were playing to plan this capture. The mature man seemed like a seasoned triad leader and he broke Julius's legs bit by bit.

I asked our friend why he had to do this and he told me that his life is starting soon after he ORDs, he wants to eliminate everybody and anybody that is a threat or competition. I did not negotiate or argue further because there is no point.

The man tortured Julius to death in front of me. It was fucking devastating the moment I didn't hear his screams anymore. I didn't/couldn't cry because the minute they were done with him, they came to me. I did whatever they asked of me (not drugs nor sex) and I even tried to strike conversation with the friend and the man. The friend decided to let me go and so we went off together.

I didn't and I couldn't show any emotions on my face because if I did, I might die. My friend would kill me if I were angry or sad about Julius' death because that would mean that I would take revenge/report him to the police. Inside, I was panicking, completely devastated and afraid. I cannot die and waste Julius' death to protect me. I cannot die because of my pathetic useless need to stand up for Julius.

I told him I understood why he did what he did and that I always knew Julius was a threat to him. We had tea and I said to him in a voice so dead and so calm it frightened me, "You killed my future husband." And I continued to sip on tea as my friend sipped on his. It was horrible I had to act like it didn't bother me and yet those words were real. For the very first time, and oddly, the only time I actually meant it when I referred to Julius as my 'future husband'. I gripped on to Julius' phone (shattered screen, but still in working condition) like it was my life, like it was the only linking thing to him.

When kellyn and chau came to look for us, they asked me where Julius was and I looked at my friend and I said, "He had to go first." It was completely horrible.

When my friend sent me home, he told me about his future. About how he signed up for some Uni at SIM, and that Uni is an USA-based Uni which meant that he could go over to the States to study as well as become as powerful as the mature man who killed Julius. I silently thought to myself that Julius didn't get to see that part of his future. He was going to take a degree there, but not anymore. Because he is dead. The entire time I was thinking and walking home with the enemy, I felt Julius watching over me, making sure I didn't give myself away.

When I walked home alone, I gripped on to his phone as his mom called. Reality sunk in only when I thought about his funeral, his future that he never saw, his departure.

The breathlessness, the tightness around my chest and the misery woke me up.

Now that I've calmed down, I don't know what freaks me out more:

1. This entire story. Plus my crying over a dream.

2. I never thought or knew how I'd feel about Julius' or anybody close to me's death before. I'd be sad for sure but I never knew it would be this terrible. I never knew that he meant so much to me. Julius has always been looking out for me and even when we are not together (physically or not), his thoughts are always with me. And I think it will be the same when he dies. The only difference is that I could look for him anytime I want, but I can't when he dies even though I could feel him around.

3. My reaction towards this entire dream. My calmness in the face of such travesty, just to save my own life despite the loss of a loved one. My lying and PR-ing with the villians just to save my life though they killed my loved one.

As much as it disgusts me, I'm sure that if I faced this the second time, i would have done the same.

sigh why am I like that. Seriously.


p/s: Edit in 2012: If this dream were to happen to Julius in real, those mafias would have been paid for by me. And he would die Hostel-style.

a Man for a Man duh [January 25, 2011 | 09:58 PM]
I will be going on and on with my feminist views, I'd be telling him how little respect men are giving women these days. He would listen (and finish his whiskey), and smirk. I get offended and challenge him to a question. He will grab my hand and kiss me. We will kiss and he will stop, he will grab my hair (as if to challenge me) and tell me he doesn't give a fuck about those things, and we will kiss. And kiss. And kiss.

And it will be absolutely beautiful.


I need a Man that will challenge me instead of bowing down to everything I say and command.
Because if I wanted somebody to listen to me, I'd buy a pet, get a boy toy, take it out on a minion.
A man, or nothing.

-_- [January 22, 2011 | 12:07 PM]
Called my dad again to talk to him bout the solo trip to Japan.
This might be a bit bleak because I actually told him that I may never find the right person to go there with.
I have always wanted to go there with a special someone since I was as young as P1. I knew that would be the perfect honeymoon place.
And of course, I had a very romantic itinerary planned out. I have a list of to-go places that are void of tourists, no tourist traps, no typical places you see on TV or magazines.
It upsets me that I may never find that person.
So, rather than going with anybody else (including my parents), I will leave that spot for that special someone just in case he finds me.
I will take it as a recce before the honeymoon.
I will never sell out just because I want somebody to go there with me. It would be selfish of me and unfair to the special somebody.
My dad was speechless.

We'll see... I'd either not go, or go alone.
If I'm not going, I better have a bag shoved in my face. ^-^

On Sex [January 09, 2011 | 06:59 AM]
I am guessing that the people reading this space is of age and are mature young adults or adults. This entry is really not for prudes.
Please, read this with an open mind. I am guessing that you (reading this) are a liberal, mature adult.

I am aware that it is now 5.37am and it is almost insane to be writing about this at this hour, but I am too disturbed to sleep after a day with my boys.
We talked about life, and we shared our views about life and certain things. The topic on sex pissed me off too much, and it wasn't the topic that pissed me off.

I was asked if I would ditch a guy if he has a small package. And because my girls and I have talked about this too many times, I told him yes.
Assuming that the guy I'm dating is for marriage, I won't waste my time because good sex is essential for a happy, long-lasting marriage.
Marriage is not all about love, family and kids. It is about love, family and kids but that is not all there is to it. There's also money and sex amongst other things.
Unlike guys who can be satisfied with just about any kind of hole (as long as it's not loose beyond belief), you really have to admit that size does matter.
I am not even saying that it has to be huge, I'm just saying that it has to be the perfect fit. Just like the way how some people find that they fit perfectly into their partner's arms.
It is not lust for something bigger and better, it is a requirement that it shouldn't fall short of what is enough for a flourishing love life.

Imagine being married to somebody who is 'less than what you can handle', and please, girls, don't lie.
Exactly how long can you fake it? 3 years? 5 years tops? I don't know about you, but I intend to stay married for as long as I can so make that 40 years. And assuming that you wouldn't be sexually active when you're about 50 and above, that would be about 30 years.
Can you fake it for 30 years? It is an honest question that I ask myself.

You really don't have to agree with me on anything because everybody has different views on such things. It's just like you don't see adults teaching another couple how to parent their kids or how to raise a family.

It is my belief that in such modern times, sex is honestly not just a  "i'll give it to you as long as you are happy because I love you" situation anymore. Maybe in my parents' generation, but really, not anymore.
Women have every single right to ask for sex, refuse sex, and also to have expectations of it instead of doing it because "my boyfriend/husband wants to".

In other words, the wife, WHO IS ALSO A WOMAN, deserves the right to find joy in this magnificent act of love.
It is sacred, it is "the forbidden fruit", it is an act of love, so why must she be faking it just to make the man happy?
Does she not have the right to choose what is good for her?

I mean, guys go on forever about boobs. They will talk about it if it's too small, or if it's too weird, or this or that.
They want a certain size because some sizes are too small or too big.
They nitpick girls' figures before they even decide to be with them.
And that's okay because men have been doing that since... Cowboys were born, Sun Wu Kong was born, Jesus was born, Sun Yat Sen was born. Anyway, they have been doing that since long before your time.

And now when women are more comfortable with speaking up and choosing what they want for themselves, they are "shallow"?
Which, by the way, my friend said I was.
21, going on 22 years of living, nobody has ever said I was shallow. Bimbotic, yes. But never shallow.
And now I am "shallow" because I said that I will never marry a man/be in a marriage with somebody who cannot satisfy sexually? How does that even make sense?

This really isn't about sex anymore. I have NOT ONCE judged them with whatever they do to girls or their sexcapades, but I was judged because I told them that modern women have every right to choose what they want -- including the packages of the partners THEY WILL LIVE WITH FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.

I haven't been this pissed with my guy friends in a very, very long time. I know them for 9 years and I have never been this pissed.
And I was so annoyed, I said the one line that I never thought I would ever say, "You are just saying that I am shallow because I am a woman. Just because society 'disallows' such talk by women, we are automatically 'shallow' because we talk about dick sizes, and we get frowned upon when we talk about sex openly. But it is okay for men to talk about boobs and sex."

I went on to ask him, "if I am having bad sex for 30 years just because society disallows such "inappropriate talk/thought" and because it won't be nice if I broke up with said boyfriend because of that, who will be responsible of my happiness? You? The society?"

The only person responsible of my future and my happiness is myself. It is my life, it doesn't make sense if I followed, say, my neighbour's standard's for living or marriage, because different people need different things. Different things make different people happy or sad.

If you think that what makes you happy, what you want in life is to be a housewife -- tend to kids, tend to the family, make sure the entire household is in order, tending to your husband like a 60s wife -- but the society's standards are that you HAVE to be working, and so you work. You have less time with your children because both your husband and you are working.
You do office work instead of tending to your home and in-laws and parents.
You are not happy because you don't want to be in the rat race, but thanks to the "judgements" and influences from your friends, family and the society, you work 9am - 6pm five days a week.
You just want to be a housewife.
Who, then, is responsible for your happiness in the end?

I think it's cool that he doesn't agree with me. I don't expect everybody to agree with me either, because you are responsible for yourself. It is one thing to not accept my view (and have his own), and to pass judgements and pass personal comments ("shallow").
It's just like bringing somebody to have prawn mee that I love and he doesn't like it. I'd be cool with that. But wouldn't it be pushing it to say that my taste in food sucks/I don't know food?

I am way past the gender equality bullfuck because I never thought it existed. But I have always thought that Singaporeans are getting liberal, but apparently not so much.

A mega long way to go before men start listening to what women really want. It is not about getting what they want, it is about respecting that women CAN ASK for what they want, just like men.

My friend might have misunderstood me big time and thought that I think sex is the most important part of marriage.
Like I said, it is not the be all and end all of a marriage (TO ME), but it is essential for a good, happy, long-lasting marriage just like love, money and family.
If we should split up the different elements to marriage, there would be love (25%), money (25%), family (25%) and sex (25%).
According to him, it shouldn't be the most important thing and even if it was bad, it shouldn't even matter to the marriage because as long as you love your husband and want a family, it shouldn't matter.
Which means we'd be covering 25% and settle for 75%?
So your marriage lives on love, money and family-building, but you compromise on good sex because it is "not important to have"?

If love isn't important to marriage since there is no such thing as 'forever love' (you'd eventually be bored of one another after some 30 or 50 years), your marriage would be surviving on minimal love, a lot of money, kids and sex (pure sex without much love). This is a true life story. This is real. I actually know of marriages that are like that. They don't end well. Duh?

Marriage without money won't work out if you have a lot of love, a lot of sex and end up with too many children.
Marriage without children, but a lot of love, a lot of sex and money. Some couples would prefer this, but they will find themselves lonely. Pressure from their in-laws would be enough to make their lives depressing.

Everything boils down to what you want, no?
Go figure it out yourself.

Seriously, fuck this.

It should be better than this, hmm? [January 06, 2011 | 09:43 PM]
I believe that I'm in a better place than I was in half a year ago. You have read my entries and should know how I'm over the past.
But there are moments that I forget, moments I lose my sanity and doubt all that I have now.
These are the moments that I'd find myself wondering if I am truly happy now, now that I'm alone and free.
Like, maybe, maybe it's better to be longing than to be loveless.

I looked through happy pictures of J and Holiday today. Days when I'm more of sane self, I'd scoff and then thank the Heavens that it wasn't him in the end. I don't get why anybody would want anybody that isn't of standard. The more I look, the more I don't understand. They get happy over the simplest things like biscuits. And they're not even Irish biscuits. They're, I quote, "cheap too!".

I'd be appreciative if I got them biscuits from NTUC, but there is no need for them to be on Facebook, full of love declarations, not forgetting the last line about it being cheap. What is she trying to prove, really? That their love can be absolutely divine with a humble price tag?

All I know is that if I were in a relationship with someone, I'd look for the best fucking biscuits for him even if it may come from Switzerland or some country that has Polar Bears strolling around their central parks. The best fucking biscuits. Biscuits that would make him wet his pants. Biscuits that would fucking blow his mind. Biscuits that will make his heart come to me without me trying. Biscuits that will leave him shaking and fucking crying because THIS IS HOW I DO IT.

I won't have to have it up on Facebook because the legend of my fucking biscuits will be on his Facebook page, it will be there because the legendary biscuit brand is enough to impress everybody on Facebook. He will thank the Heavens for the biscuit and he will thank the Heavens again for me, who got him these fab biscuits.

But today, I looked through the new pictures, and then I asked myself if this was the life I want.
Maybe I'd be contented with such simple happiness.
Maybe I'd be extremely happy to have Kong Guan biscuits with him on the Singapore Flyer on a weekend.
Maybe life isn't all about beautiful things, maybe life isn't about dressing your best and eating your best, but just to do everything and nothing with that special someone.
Maybe life isn't about career advances, maybe life isn't about being remembered for your efforts. Why try so hard? You're a woman, your existence is to complement your man.
Why try so hard? You're a woman, you live to be married and live happily ever after with babies. You don't have to know so much about life. Why care about the food you put in your mouth, why care about the quality of your living when living isn't living without the man you love?
All that I have is, therefore, meaningless. Whatever that I'm after will leave me meaningless. And yet I foolishly believe that I'll be happy with an amazing career and that I don't need anybody because I care more for myself.
How would I be now... If the girl in the picture, next to him, my conquest of 6 years, was me?
How would things have changed?

Before this entry, the above was lingering in my head and it was a disgusting, vulnerable moment for me.

Things don't change. It's not a matter of how I've made up my mind for certain things because I'm doing things because I want to.
I know what I want now, and while it may be nice to have someone to hold, I won't fall into the trap of holding somebody just because I want to.
I want to hold on to somebody even when I don't want to. That is real love. You can't bring yourself but to love him.
You don't want to, but you find yourself turning your head to look for him. That is the love that will keep me. Not this.

Also, I'd rather be fucking than to be eating biscuits atop the Singapore Flyer on a weekend.

Chill Pill [January 04, 2011 | 12:50 AM]
I had a bad migraine today but didn't think much of it. I thought it was just the lack of caffeine that was causing my moodiness, as always.

But today it was a little different, the bus ride was intolerable, I had to stop mid-way to force-vomit.
The entire ride was nauseating and even after I got off the bus to take a walk and breathe some cool fresh air, nothing helped the nausea.

It was quite funny because I was near KAP, so I decided to hold in my puke and do some grocery shopping for dinner since my mom won't be back by dinner time. And despite the discomfort, I kept smiling and giggling to myself, thinking of how I'd be laughing myself silly if I puked all over myself at Cold Storage. I've always found it funny when people puked all over themselves (like they didn't have the common sense to puke away from themselves), partly because I read this last night.

I held in my puke and closed my eyes throughout the bus ride back. Dropped the groceries at home, then went to see my family doctor.

It's chronic migraine as usual, but this time it was worse because I "over-strained" myself though I was sure I handled my workload really well.
I had time to nua, I had sufficient time for work, I had enough sleep and even if I didn't, I'm quite sure I tried to make up for my lack of sleep on Sundays.
So anyway, all these time that I thought it was PMS, it was actually the migraine making me ultra irritable. The doctor surprised me by asking me if I were "constantly irritable and easily frustrated, always wanting to snap at people", it was really quite funny. I was so used to the chronic migraine that it didn't bother me until it got worse.

The biggest joke of all was the doctor telling me to lay off ANY sort of school work for at least a week -- no emails, no thinking, no work -- I almost laughed at his face but I managed to scoff a bit. A day of rest I get it, but a week? Where does he think I'm from? Engineering? (Naw, just kidding) I politely declined, smiled at him and said that I can't do that. It was quite amusing because I'd never used to turn down a week of rest, but this doctor is really quite funny.

I went back with a 2-day MC, and the same set of pills that would make me relax (I call them my chill pills), and an order from the doctor to not do strenuous exercise when I only started exercising yesterday (FML for real). Also, to have a headache diary to keep track of how frequent my migraines are so I can go check with a neurologist. Like seriously, GOT SO SERIOUS OR NOT???

How... naive for people to think that the world will stop for them. Work will continue and it doesn't make sense to stop because of some dumb brain shit.

2 more months!

Slipshots // I am not nice when I'm about to menstruate [December 28, 2010 | 01:13 AM]
Notes:

1.

Dear girl-who-stares-and-whispers-to-friend-at-restaurant,

I noticed you the minute I walked into the restaurant. There is no need for odd stares because you are right -- I am alone. Young girl, people do eat alone. It is not weird, it is not pathetic as some may think. This may come across as defensive but I'll tell you this because you look 17/18: You know what's really pathetic? People who won't eat by themselves because they think it is pathetic. Being pathetic is a state of mind, you are only pathetic if you think you are. You are not it if you don't agree with it. The minute you give in to that thought, you slip into a state of pathetic-ness, and then you deprive yourself of food that you want to eat just because you don't want to be seen as pathetic.

Be comfortable with yourself, young one. Be comfortable to do anything by yourself. Go shopping, do a sport, eat alone, have some tea, do the tango -- Love yourself enough to be comfortable being alone. It doesn't mean you don't have friends, it just means you have one more friend -- yourself.

When you grow older, you get tired of waiting of friends to (finally) agree on where to eat. Your friends will stick to their boyfriends and girlfriends. They will get married. They will go to army. They will die -- by accident, by illness, by fate -- no matter what, they will die and it will only be a matter of time. They will die, like you, like me, like your family. This is not cynicism, this is being realistic.

It is just a meal, a meal which you don't have to account for anybody, a meal which you don't have to depend on your family, friends, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife -- You are responsible for feeding yourself. Be a little more self-sufficient, a little more independent.

Sincerely,
Your senior.

2.

I don't like it when people suggest I date somebody 'rich', somebody who owns a car cus he can then drive me around. I am sure that there must be some miscommunication somewhere because that has never been a criteria for me.

I'm sure it's nice and everything, but honestly, if that's the only plus point that I could find in a guy, isn't that just sad?
Honestly, do I really need to depend on a guy who drives me around? Maybe. But I could also get taxi drivers anywhere too.

And also, rich? Really? Firstly, am I that materialistic to need such men? Secondly, do you think I can't afford it? Thirdly, if I wanted rich, why would I settle for a guy who owns a car? I mean, if you wanted rich, wouldn't you find a guy who owns a car AND a driver? Geez, wanna aim, aim higher lah! I am never an in-between person.

In case you think I would indeed aim higher, I am only interested in earning money myself. I have no words actually. You don't deserve me.

3.

I realized that I am forever alone by choice. I will be forever alone because the image I have in my head of whoever I like would always be better than the real person. There will always, always be lust. But there will be no love. I have not felt my heart beat in ages. There is nobody that can really sweep me off my feet. I am sure that I haven't forgotten that feeling and I am waiting to feel it again.

And honestly, having been there for my girlfriends too many times, I think that this relationship is sufficient. They are always there for me, and vice versa, and when they're back with their boyfriends, I have my own personal space. A nice, comfortable space for me to grow. They kind of made me realize that while it's nice to have somebody by your side, you lose a bit of yourself everyday. It is a beautiful surrender but it is not something I'd like to put myself through with the wrong guy.

I don't even think I am ever ready to be known as somebody's girlfriend unless he's damn awesome. I just want to be known as Amanda Tan. I want to be remembered as that, be known for that. And the very basic courtesy that my future boyfriend's friends should have for me is to call me by name, not "______'s girlfriend".

Because, really, I am nobody's baby.

4.

I thought of my bachelorette pad. It is fucking awesome. And my girlfriends can come over for some girly sexy time or just bunk in when their assholes of a boyfriend piss them off.

5.

This is the difference between you and I. Effortless.

Merry Xmas, yeah whatever. [December 24, 2010 | 11:46 PM]
Christmas is one of my favourite holidays, but I am beginning to get really irritated because while everybody's in good festive moods with the whole "giving is receiving" vibe everywhere, it seems like they are caught in their delusional bubble -- the bubble where no work, no emails, no calls, nobody exists except them and their fucking christmas mood. Look, LIFE GOES ON AFTER CHRISTMAS. Life HAS to move on even DURING Christmas.

When Jesus was born, the people rejoiced, BUT I'M SURE PEASANTS WERE WORKING TO KEEP THINGS GOING BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE BASIC SENSE TO REALIZE LIFE MUST GO ON????? HELLO?

1.

Dear suppliers/group mates/everybody else,

I am not a demanding person. I promise. I apologise for texting/emailing/calling thrice a day during this festive period, I assure you that I am not forcing you to get things done fast because I know things move at a glacial pace during Christmas, but really, you are receiving that many texts/calls/emails because you are not replying me. I don't live to agonize you, I have better things to live for, but thus far, you are making it hard for me to move on because you are not replying me. I am really not a demanding person. I am not anal bout 'Dear'(s), 'Regards/Sincerely', PR-email openings ("I hope this email reaches you well"), or even having my name spelt correctly -- I really don't care. I can't emphasize this enough: ALL I NEED IS A 'K' or 'Yes' or 'No'.

I don't get it.

And maybe you don't either because obviously such things don't bother you enough to make sure you don't do it to others (in this case, it's me).
Okay, look, my projects/chairmen/school don't disappear automatically during festive seasons and I am very sure that your work don't go on auto-sleep mode too. Once your Christmas bubble bursts, once you sober up from too much Christmas bubbly, you will realize that it is back to life, back to reality. And you will have to face me, and I will assure you that it will be awkward after 10,000 unanswered calls/texts and emails. Don't do this to me.

I am not asking for the world, really. Replies to emails and texts within 24 hours are mandatory -- Not only to me, but to the rest of the world who are looking for you because they really want to get the job done/something to tell their in-charge. There is no holiday for professionalism.

2.
I don't usually say this but this is Christmas. I might be under the wrong impression but I feel that people are generally a lot nicer during Christmas, or at least they try to be.

It is common sense to give up your seats to elderly people/handicapped people/pregnant ladies/whoever's in need. I am disgusted that I have to tell people to give up their seats to the elderly during this period of Love, Sharing and Caring.

I mean, there you are with a bag full of gifts, generous and full of Christmas spirit, you buy the silly tiny Xmas hats for charity, but you won't give up your seat to the old person right in front of you swaggering from left to right in the crowded bus? Are you for real?

3.
Stingy, Calculative, Longwinded guys. I am judging you. Openly. I can't be fucked to even tell you what is wrong with you. I am not a queen of subtlety, my look of disgust is very obvious. In case you don't really get the meaning, it means 'Please don't talk to me'. Also, please don't ask me 'You don't like me izzit?', it makes things very awkward.

Have a merry fucking xmas.

bad/perfect [December 09, 2010 | 04:16 AM]
I am bad and perfect mix of my mom and my dad.
I don't like to show my love directly to the person and I act like I don't give a fuck when it's killing me. Am pissed at myself for that.
I am usually logical and practical. I don't like to waste my time and love on people.
I don't like having to care for people every single fucking time and thinking so much about them unless absolutely necessary.
In other words, friendships are never easy. The only reason why I'm friends with anybody is because they are capable of making me feel.
They can affect my emotions and thoughts, they can make me give a fuck about something and somebody other than myself.
And to me, they are awesome. They are capable of making me vulnerable, but they'd never intentionally hurt me.

This is when things start to spiral out of logic and reason. I have absolutely no reason but I do it anyway.

I wrote this before, and I will emphasize it again:
"I don't think I'm desperate for a boyfriend because when I am desperate, I don't wait. Duh. I mean, seriously, when I'm desperate for anything, I don't wait. I reach out for anything that's the closest to me and I attack. I am just... Afraid that I will really never find that person, and that person isn't looking for me."

It is not in my nature to wait for anything. Amanda Tan doesn't wait. If I have to, I complain and whine. It is the only thing that could soothe my impatience.

I don't like to do things unnecessarily. I don't mind meeting new people and knowing new people. But I hate wasting my time to start a friendship of any sort with people that I don't see a future with. Friendship building is tiring and difficult. I don't want to waste my time and love on a relationship with a man that isn't built to last as much as I don't want to get used to being single because I know that if I do, I will never give a fuck.

Afterall, what is life without love?
And what is life loving a person when you know you deserve better?

That's all.
The rest... remains in my little brown leather-bound.
Goodnight.

[December 01, 2010 | 02:40 AM]
言わぬが花...わかってる?
 

感謝の心 [December 01, 2010 | 02:01 AM]
2010 will come to an end soon and it has been nothing short of amazing.
Amazing not because it has been smooth sailing, but because I have learnt so much and so much has changed.
I am still alive, and better, I am happier than I was before.
Things and people I ought to let go, I've let go and I have never looked back.
Better people and opportunities came looking for me, and how stupid was I back then to not notice what I was missing out on?
I have gained some, lost some.

My friends love me. I used to feel a sense of uncertainty when I write that - My friends love me - but not anymore.
It is nothing glaring and unlike most of the kids, they don't do mushy talk.
When I was at my worst, they stood by me, held my hand, and never let go.
They hope the best for me every single time, and I have made them worry.
Thank you.

And my parents. I am still not a good daughter. Everything that I have, I really do owe it all to them.
I am thankful for them so much. I am always given the best, and I get pretty much whatever I want.
My dad is my best friend. We don't talk much, but when we are together, the bond is so unmistakable.
He is the only person whom I can really call my other half because we are so alike. So, so, so alike.
And I am proud to have his blood flowing in me.

I went for a Parenthood exhibition at the expo and saw many families with their babies.
The mothers there were around the age when my mom had me, too. The mothers there looked terribly tired.
They lost the colour on their faces and some of them looked like they were about to pass out from fatigue.
One of the mothers I surveyed was exactly that, yet she so gently held her baby close to her chest.
Tenderness with strength, whatever strength she could muster.
It reminded me of my mother who'd go the limit for me even when I am no longer a baby.

The only difference was that this woman's husband, the father of her baby, hurriedly came up to help her.
The same tenderness, and the same kind of deliberation.
Every woman at that exhibition who struggled with their baby had their husband to help.
They looked like they were about to throw in the towel, and looked super tired.

It was then that I smiled to myself thinking that these women have no fucking idea at all.
They are nothing compared to my mother, to the single mothers out there who single-handedly bring up their children without a husband.
All mothers are great, but the ones who had to be a Mother and Father to their child... They are God-like.

I imagined my mother struggling with me as a toddler at such exhibitions alone, with couples everywhere with their babies.
It pained my heart a lot. A lot.
It was then that I realized her grace should not be mistakened as a weakness, but a strength.
She lived through it all and I am now 21.
She has my respect for bringing me up alone, ensuring that I get all the love I can get, ensuring that I did what kids do at that time when they had their parents with them (like computer classes at Ikea, or the playground tunnel thing).
I talk about being strong and all, but I have no idea at all.
My mother is actually the tough one. The toughest woman I'd ever know in my life.

I love all of you.
And thank you for loving me too.

Am shaking in anger and cold [November 30, 2010 | 06:56 AM]
Am PMSing. Extremely tired. Finally done with report at 6am. And my wonder of a printer tells me it has a 'General Error'.

Okay, look, a printer's only job is to print. To print. Not rocket science. It's like ~nature~ it's like the function of a rock is.. to be a rock. The function of the Sun is to produce heat and light. So, Printer, PRINT.

WHAT PROBLEM IS THERE? THE PRINTER DOESN'T HAVE TO EXPERIENCE LIFE WHAT THE FUCK PRINTER WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE A "GENERAL ERROR"?????????

I hate to put myself through this but, LOOK, I. IIIIIIIIIIIIIII SHOULD BE THE ONE WHO HAVE A GENERAL ERROR. I AM SO FUCKING TIRED, I HAVE TO WAKE UP LATER TO PRINT BECAUSE MY PRINTER DOESN'T WANNA DO IT'S JOB BECAUSE OH~ SAD CASE~ IT DECIDES TO STOP FUNCTIONING LIKE SOME  WHINY BITCH CUS IT HAS SOME DUMB GENERAL ERROR. SOME ERROR THAT DOESN'T EXIST. 

LOOK, I HAVE PMS. MY PERIOD IS COMING. I HAVE 2 MORE DEADLINES TO RUSH THIS WEEK, AND A WHOLE LOT OF LOGISTICS TO CHASE, I HAVE TO DEAL WITH MY LACK OF EXERCISE AND SLEEP (read: WEIGHT AND BAD COMPLEXION). I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IDIOTS IN MY LIFE AND YES, UNLIKE YOU AND YOUR FUCKING ANAL PAPER ISSUES AND BAD RELATIONSHIP WITH THE INK, THERE ARE ACTUALLY IDIOTS IN MY LIFE THAT, BY THE WAY, I HAVE TO FACE INSTEAD OF SWITCHING MYSELF OFF BECAUSE I HAVE A "GENERAL PROBLEM" WITH THE REST OF THE FUCKING WORLD.

SO DON'T PUSH IT WITH ME WITH ALL YOUR MINOR, INSIGNIFICANT PROBLEMS AND INCONVENIENT ME WITH YOUR INCOMPETENCE, PRINTER. I AM NOT BUYING IT. I OWN YOU. YOU'RE A PRINTER, WHY ARE YOU NOT PRINTING. FUCK YOU.

A [November 30, 2010 | 02:23 AM]
The only thing that's constant between friends is change. Circumstances change. Character, and perspective changes.
When we became friends, I thought you knew what you signed up for. I thought you knew that you can't take all that I say too seriously unless I do intend to make myself sound serious. Even the things I say when I'm pissed can't be taken word for word.
It was the same with Melissa, and now it is the same with you. I hate writing and thinking bout these things because if the last thing I'd ever be is clingy. I hate being the clingy friend yet

Yet I know myself best. Once I have recognized somebody as a friend. A friend I'd keep. A friend I'd abandon everything for. I'd cling on to the motherfucker like nobody's business like a fucking leech. I won't let go even if the person has hurt me, even if he/she leaves me. If you need an imagery, I'd be clinging on to his/her legs while he/she stamps me with his/her free foot. And I won't let go. I won't let go. I won't go to him/her because I haven't even left. I won't ask him/her to stay because I have never left. He/she won't keep in contact with me but I'd always find out how he/she is doing. And I won't go to him/her unless they are in a crictical condition.

I've had dreams about this friend and have read his message again and again to see how I could change yet I have no clue whatsoever. My closest friends who know me better than I do tell me that they don't see a change in me. The only change is that I'm happier and at the same time lonelier and (supposedly) funnier cus I'm constantly lamenting about my singlehood. I know that unless I find that change, I doubt I could ever find the same friendship I used to have with that friend.

I know one thing for sure. Those that I call a friend, I believe in their characters. No matter how they've changed. No matter how their values have changed and how they have done things that I don't agree with, I'd always be able to find it in my heart to trust in them. It will be difficult, but I won't leave. I won't leave until I have found the answer. I won't leave. Change is the only constant. It is my belief that the only thing that doesn't change is the relationship, history and bond between two people.

I am guessing you'd hate how fucking mushy this is and how I'm just PR-ing and all that jazz so whatever the fuck you might say about this, if you could still find it somewhere in you to believe in me, let this dumb childish shit slide and let's bond over beer, bro. This is fucking stupid and you will have to QC my future boyfriend for me like you said you'd do.

Strength & Grace [November 22, 2010 | 02:19 AM]
I have so many things I want to write about, so many things to share but I don't know how.
Two worst feelings this week: 1. This, the inability to put my thoughts in words and 2. Feeling like I'm misunderstood.

Nothing bad has happened. No quarrels, no politics, nothing. My friends still love me and vice versa, and nobody has crossed the wrong line yet.
What makes me feel the most uneasy is when a friend, or somebody that I particularly like, doesn't seem to know me as I am. Or rather, he thinks I'm a simple A, but I'm actually B, C and maybe even D or Z.

It might be a guy thing to think that all girls that whine are damsels in distress waiting for somebody to hear them out and give them advices, but No, when girls whine to a guy, there's nothing more to it - it's just their incessant need to be heard. It's a girl thing. Okay, maybe it's not a girl thing, it's an Amanda thing.

Like seriously, I don't feel the need to explain or to correct every single thing that people think of me because I feel that time would tell. Time would tell people how I really am like if they bother to invest time on knowing me. 

But UGHHHHHHHHH it's making me feel so uneasy when people hang up the phone with me with the impression that I am in dire need of help, motivation and yada yada. Like, seriously?! I am NEVER known for that kind of bullshit. if anything, people come to ME.

So all I do is tilt my head in wonder. I am such an easy person to read but some just don't get it.

And know what kills me the most? People who don't get my sense of humour. I guess it's easy for people who aren't friends with me to not get it, but it bothers me a lot when some (okay, just one) of my friends don't get my sense of humour. There is no such thing as a "humble joke", a joke is a joke. It doesn't have to be morally right, or socially accepted. I have never heard of a socially acceptable joke, because if it was, then it's most probably not funny. My sense of humour might be cynical, sometimes dark, sometimes blasphemous, sometimes too blunt, but isn't that the whole point of it?

I.. I died when I was told "You can't say such things." or "How can you say such things?" How about you get yourself some sense of humour and have a laugh at life the way it is? Geez.

So yes, that will be about it. Goodnight.

life is goodness [November 14, 2010 | 03:01 AM]
My life today was made up of goodness. It's been so long since the last time the boys and I hung out like that.
I won't date any of them, but collectively, they are very amazing and I'd want somebody like them.
I don't approve of all that they say, think and do to girls (but i really do love them so much to overlook those as well as have their backs no matter what) but they do have kind hearts.
They'd always make an effort to include any of the guys' girlfriends in all our gatherings.

It is a very special bond that we have that somehow our values are all synced. We understand that you are never in a relationship alone, but with your partner's friends too. Some friends don't give a fuck, but the guys, they don't just want to know the person on a surface level, but they genuinely care for one another's girlfriends as a brother.

i can't really say that they give the same treatment to all the girlfriends our guys have because honestly, they're picky and practical people. they don't like to waste time on people they know they won't ever meet again. they won't waste time trying to be too friendly to the girl if they know the girl and our guy friend won't last. and duh, they won't keep whoever they don't think is sincere, genuine and worth keeping.

they make constant effort to include kellyn in all our gatherings, and i am not the one who suggests, mind you! i won't go as far as to say that they are as comfortable or as close to her as i am to them, but it's a very special heartwarming moment when i see them making that effort for their brother. because they really like this girl enough to keep her as a friend, because they see her as family.

and this is really what i'd love to have when i do have a boyfriend. this is not all that important to me right now, but it will be the ultimate cherry on top. a bonus to have.

the boys and i are not that far apart, we are of the same wavelengths, different walks of life, we are similar yet different. this is something i understand, something that's unspoken, an unspoken agreement. i love that. they don't ever speak ill of any of one another's girlfriend unless it's really LOL-worthy but for some reason, they will all not bother to ask that particular girl out for our gatherings.

And clearly, if the girl was somebody i won't even want to be close with, i highly doubt that the guys would care for having another girl in our conversation.

point is, i love that we all love kellyn like we love chau. we didn't discuss bout it at all but i am guessing it's a kind of bond that we have, a kind of 默契,that makes us want to have her in all our lives. i mean, she's awesome on her own and it's really not weird that people would want to keep her, but the boys don't know her as well as i do. i guess it's a feeling.

i'd like to think that it's a feat to join us and be accepted by them all considering how they judge girls to death. (NAH I'M JUST KIDDING...)

So yeah, Chau, if you're reading this, you've picked well.
And Kellyn, we (including Minni -- Hi Aunti!!) love you.

Walk the talk and shut the fuck up [November 10, 2010 | 02:49 AM]
Know what pisses me off? People who keep having dumb-ass know-it-all "philosophical" abstract statuses on Facebook.
Look, I get that you've been thinking a lot but please, at least structure it in a way that people can understand easily.
I get that effective communication may not be everybody's forte, but so is trying to read something so damn abstract.

And finally, for the lack of a better expression, (pardon the french) don't teach your mother how to fuck.
Don't say things that people already know, phrase it in a chim way, and then act like it's something well thought out because hey, you're not fooling me.
It's just like buying a fucking egg for 10c, paste a sticker with the word "Organic" on it and selling it for $3. You can fool the people who 'Like' your dumb status, but you ain't foolin' me.

I'd ask that you walk the talk if I knew you personally, but since you're so damn smart, I am guessing you ARE already walking the talk so here's another advice from me to you: Shut the fuck up.
It is nothing difficult and nothing too abstract about this: walk the talk AND shut the fuck up while you're at it.

It's acceptable if it was a Eureka! moment, or that it was an epiphany. But it's something that everybody knows like, "Happiness is a choice" and you try to make it sound like nobody realized that cept you then it's best you shut up.

I don't know how many friends you have that are incapable of realizing such things in their lives and I might be the minority in your list that feels this way, so I hope you are really happy that you are really, really wise among your friends.

See, this is why we are no longer friends. You know how in ancient days the king throws the strong and powerful general into exile for fear that the general might overthrow the king one day because the king knows exactly how awesome the general is?

Yeah. Yeah, you got that right. If I wrote something out of my ass and placed it next to some-philosophical shit you wrote, the people who 'Like' your crap would realize that you are nothing.

I can't think of a better and subtle way to say this because, clearly, subtlety is really not my style.

I am too smart, too good for you. Bite me, bitch.

------------
p/s: This is written by Amanda's alter ego. Shalom!
p/p/s: I do realize that I'm actually no big deal and not all that great. And I'm not that careless to not realize that there are others who do the same Facebook shit too. Again, I hate to say this but don't teach your mother how to fuck. In case you're thinking of the smartest rebuttals, here's a clue smartass, I could summarize this entire entry into one short sentence, under 10 words: I just really don't like you.

[November 06, 2010 | 10:34 PM]
Well, I drink on my own and get this.. I OPEN BEER BOTTLES BY MYSELF. WHERE TO FIND SUCH A WIFE EH?

I'm gonna die with my fat cat when I'm 80.
It will eat my face because I'd be laying flat on the ground in my apartment, rotting, because nobody realizes I'm dead.

///

This is just a phase. Once I snap out of this phase, once my knight in a shining suit whisks me off, I will be so happy. So damn happy that this journal will annoy the fuck out of you and I. I will be so happy and blissful, I will have pink rays shooting out of my head.

Oh hay and guess what, I will have the 'Walking On Sunshine' song on repeat.

MY LOVE LIFE WILL BE SO FULL OF AWESOME, IT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND.

Just sayin'

The Single Whine [November 06, 2010 | 03:12 AM]
You can scoff all you like but I'll still say this... I think I might have found something that I really regret in this life.
I regret being so obsessed with johnathon. Seeing how he's like with Holiday just made me realize that he is nothing I want.
The person that I love is nothing like how he's like. I tried to put myself in her position, but it made me cringe.

The one I want is not somebody like that. Not so..mediocre. Not openly calling me a Queen, and most definitely not call me a Queen even in private.

I want a Man, not... this Queen-calling boy.

I am getting very tired of looking for the one who's man enough to step up and tell me that he thinks I am amazing and he feels that he's worthy enough of my awesomeness. It's not about finding the perfect one because I will never find that person, I want a man that has the right attitude and determination to learn whatever he doesn't know just like how I'd do the same too.

The one thing I hate most is men telling me that I am too good for them. What the fuck is that supposed to mean anyway? Wouldn't you want to own and keep what you think is awesome? If I am not good enough, it makes sense because it doesn't make sense that a person would want to settle for less, right? This would be damn bleak if anybody thinks I am bragging (again). This is real. This pisses me off. I don't do ":O i'm too good~ sob sob~ how.. no lah i'm that great lah sob sob" kind of nonsense.

People that I hang out with a lot would tell me I'd make a great wife. So the ultimate question is... Then why am I not attached?

This is really getting very tiring. I have helped a few girls through tough times. Times when they get dumped by the wrong guys. And when I see them happily attached with a guy who is finally treating them right, I get really happy because they are fine girls and this is what they deserve. They are not the forgotten ones. They get together with a wrong person, and now they are happy. Happiness found them. They did not seek for it. Or maybe they did, and they found it. It is very amazing.

I can't help but think, so then when will it be me? I mean, I listened to them, I talk to them, I help them out... And now it's my turn, and why do I not get the same kind of luck? Look, if there's a department for this kind of shit, I'd be calling and screaming at the customer service already because this is really taking too damn long. If it's gonna take this long, it better be good. I mean, really, IT BETTER BE GOOD.

Thing is, I am tired of this and I am losing faith. I can dream and dream. I can plan out the perfect wedding and all but it will all be useless. I don't want to grow old with my cat. I don't have a cat yet but I'm guessing older single women would keep a pet and then they die together. This is so morbid it hurts to even type it out man. -_-

I don't think I'm desperate for a boyfriend because when I am desperate, I don't wait. Duh. I mean, seriously, when I'm desperate for anything, I don't wait. I reach out for anything that's the closest to me and I attack. I am just... Afraid that I will really never find that person, and that person isn't looking for me.

Joey tells me that whenever he has a very tough time, he'd talk to God about his problems, and then pray that the girl that's meant for him is having it easier than him while he's having it rough, and that He'd look after her for him because he can't be there for her now, and that she may or may not know God yet so please just look over her.

Religion aside, this is just.. so.. sweet that I want to roll in a bed of flour.

See, I've been praying pretty much the same thing, cept that I pray that the man that is meant for me is making himself more than worthy for me just like what I am doing right now, and hopefully he is making his way to me right now. But what if the guy isn't coming? What if the guy is half past six? What if the guy don't care about me to even dream of me even before we met?

.................................. Joey and Julius really spoil market.


As much as I think that having a really awesome career would be enough, I know I'd be really happy and I won't have a worry with the career I'd have, but life is nothing without love. Family love and love from friends will always be different from the kind of love I get from the man that loves and respects me. It is not just the sex, it is the comfort of belonging.

If you know me well enough, I am not the sort of girlfriend that needs to talk on the phone everyday or to even contact everyday. I am the cocky girlfriend that's fearless of infidelity. The thing that can make me feel that way is the bond, the love and the sense of belonging to that person. I don't need much, I just need a sense of belonging. It is nice to belong.

I will spend my Saturday getting fat and sad. Curled up in bed watching SATC back to back. With Asahi. Goodbye.

[November 01, 2010 | 11:45 PM]
zzzihao
10:48 PM
you know in life
zzzihao
10:48 PM
you cant win the whole world
zzzihao
10:48 PM
when you have your haters, it means you have done something right


... Wise words from the Old Man Hao.

And he is right.

http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=435703785332&id=838833331 And this is right too.

And, go fuck yourself.
Don't push me to a point where I have to write down every single praise/email I received from Internship.
Don't push me to publish the email Ramani sent me on my last day of work.
Don't make me remind everybody of how I tanked Feature and Advert with Melvin.

........................................................ SO PISSED RIGHT NOW I CAN'T EVEN.

[October 26, 2010 | 01:17 AM]
Here's hoping that this is just PMS.
Nothing excites me anymore. Buying or eating anything doesn't excite me anymore.
Anything that people do for me doesn't excite me anymore either.
I want to buy something that will make my head spin a bit, but there is nothing.
I have everything I want, I have everybody I want.

I need somebody or something that could make my heart beat faster, make my brain work harder, makes me feel like I'm alive.
I need to feel like I'm alive.

All I want to do now is roll in bed and whine about my sad life to somebody that will laugh in my face about how I am bleak to be doing this.

I want to eat something that will make me tear and have my chest heave.
I want to be touched by a person's words that it will make me stop breathing for a few seconds.
I want to be surprised by an act of love and let the world around me spin.
I want to be so happy, all I see are my beloved friends' smiling faces in the light.

Why do I feel like that? PMS, is dat chu?

错的人 [October 22, 2010 | 11:40 PM]
With reference to my last public entry,

Maybe I don't want to "calm down" anymore. I want more in-my-face revelations. I want to experience the beauty of Fate.
I am a cynic, stuff like that freaks me out, but I want to experience it all.
I want to know who you might be to me.

I don't want to let go of this like some abandoned construction project.

IMJC.

God and all that jazz.. or hymns. [October 18, 2010 | 10:02 PM]
This is pure mind..screw. (oh what is happening...)
Let us all calm down a bit.
I'm getting very confused and annoyed by the recent happenings.

I am a believer of Fate and Chance. I believe in a Higher Power, a person that I confide to, the answer to everything that cannot be explained by Science and Logic, aka to most as God.

I have always been a very lucky person. I get into a lot of shit, but I'd always come out of it stronger, better. It's not my strength that pulls me through, but I'd always come out alive and I'd always become stronger. I attribute that to luck. But I am considering that this might actually be the blessing of God.

I know how a lot of people, especially my dear friends, would think this is because of my crush. But I will assure you that it has no influence on me. I have yet to believe in anything unless I am given more logical evidences and.. proof of His existence.

The only reason why I am so confused is precisely this... I am a cynic. I need logical evidences. I need proof.

And this slew of events is freaking me out. It is freaking me very bad.

I prayed to be directed to the right person, but I wasn't expecting it to be so soon.
Like, snap snap, the next day I meet a person that looked so familiar to me but I didn't know him at all. I have met a lot of cute guys before and they'd usually bore me by the 2nd conversation. I'd know instinctively that I don't want anything more with the guy.
And for the weirdest reason, he feels like he's seen me before too (this is beginning to sound like a very bad pick-up line ha-ha) and we kind of hit off very well.
This is not to say that he is definitely the right person, but I can't help but think because I am really very picky when it comes to guys.
I strike them off when the tiniest things annoy me. Like, a bad break-up reason with his ex-girlfriend, not tall enough, no depth, from business school, etc.
And yet this person is kinda made according to my preferences... Tall, dark, good-looking, engineer, can hold himself very well, driven, filial, yada yada...
This person is very different from me, somebody that I won't find from my circle of friends, but I did. We are so different yet so alike.

I calmed myself down and figured that this is pure coincidence. I cannot overly romanticize everything. It is just a crush and not some crazy dramatic divine intervention. A bit siao also.

Until one day before I went to church with him, we talked over the phone. We talked about what I prayed before the ball, and explained that if two people were meant to be, they would meet no matter how far they are, how crazy the circumstance is, so no matter what, they will definitely meet and fall in love.
And get this, I brought up something I've read about very long ago about how a woman is made from the man's rib. Every man would have that one person made for him, and every woman would have that man that she belongs to. They will meet, no matter how far or difficult.
I brought it up. I BROUGHT IT UP. And then he told me it's not man and woman, it's Adam & Eve. And it ends there.

The next day, at the church, the pastor taught something about Grace and something about the bible and the Holy Communion.
And I don't know how or why, but he talked about how a woman must have grace. Something bout how a woman shouldn't be finger-wagging at her husband but instead love her husband before he leaves for work.
And he digressed and started talking about how God took Adam's rib to make Eve when he was asleep, that's why the pastor's wife fits so nicely into his arms. AND IT FREAKED ME OUT SO AJSNIOAJSOIJASOPJAOPSJAOISJAOJS badly.
I glanced at the manly figure next to me and think to myself, "Dude... Are you hearing what I'm hearing? Why aren't you freaking out? We talked about this last night!!!"
And in case you think he might have told the pastor, DUDE, read bout the pastor.

I mean seriously, it is not possible. A high profile church, with a high-flying pastor, why would he listen to one out of a few thousand people to convince one person (i.e me) that um, God is real?

Okay... So, like, um, I didn't pray for Faith or to believe in anything. Honestly. I don't think I need it. I prayed for what I want. And there you have it, a person that makes Amanda Tan shy, and all these freaky incidences.

I am confused out of my wits because it is too crazy. It is too crazy to believe that he is the answer to my prayer. And one by one, the little revelations are just too much for me to take because they are forcing me to believe in the existence of a Higher Power.
And if, IF, IF it is true, then what? Wait again? For 4 years? O.O
I ASKED FOR A PERSON, BUT YOU CANNOT THROW ME SOMEBODY LIKE THAT SO QUICKLY. 

I need to sit down with this.. Higher Power and tell him to please calm down. I know I really begged to be directed to the right person but this is too fast and too scary, he needs to calm down a bit. I will still believe in his existence if the freaky incidences were presented with a longer lag time and with a milder impact, so, please let's all calm down a bit. Thank you for the direction but I need more proof that it is the right direction, because so far, the signs I'm getting are not very clear. Whereas the signs of the existence of a Higher Power is like woah, so please, calm down. I know I'm very loved and blessed but LETS ALL RELAX AND TAKE A SLOW PACE OK???????????????????????????

.......................

There, I feel so much better now.

When the mist clears [October 15, 2010 | 02:24 PM]
I stayed up all night to think it through and have been thinking about it till now.
I am falling too deeply, too quickly. There are so much more to be considered, so much more to learn about this Man.
It will be hard to want to stay friends, but until he realizes and respects me for my capabilities as a lady, I will never be happy.
I will see how things go, and take them in my stride. I have been too lost in my own pink bubbles.
When the pink bubbles clear up, it will be reality once more.

Apart from having a partner, the other one thing that I cannot live without is my career.
I dread school, yet I can't wait for it to start. The thrill of accomplishing something, and finally, putting what I've learnt to use, learning from others, and also rolling my eyes at... certain... people. I love all of that. It will be fun. It will be something that keeps me alive.
And before I know it, life will finally begin for me.
I don't have a lot of time to waste on kids that insist I have changed. I am done playing with these games anyway.

With my closest comrades, we will walk into our future together, or apart.

And along the way, here's hoping I'd find somebody that will sweep me off my feet and keep me interested for more than 3 weeks.

:)

[September 24, 2010 | 09:59 AM]
On Wednesday, I went for facial with a very heavy heart.
I want to move on but I can't move. I needed more reasons to leave.
So I prayed, no, I begged God for direction out of desperation.
Any direction that would lead me to the right person, any direction that would show me which way to go -- to stay or to go.
I walked home in the rain feeling like absolute crap because he would be attending the commsball the next day with a girl who hasn't been hoping for the moment like I did 9 months ago, when he first knew he's in OCS.

Later that night, Vincent called me up sounding slightly frantic and desperate. He needs a date for his friend.
I told him it's impossible for me to find something to wear in less than 24 hours. And with much persuasion, I said okay.
"Maybe you'd get to dance with him, show him how pretty you are lah"

So I woke up at 6am to prepare for something that I should have prepared for months ago.
It was like everything that I imagined... The shopping and preparation. Except that it was for the wrong partner.

I can't even begin to write about how much of a fool his date made of herself on stage. It was so embarrassing it hurts because he'd rather her than me.

And the weirdest thing was that they had a performance.
This malay dude sang Jay Chou's An Jing. At the Commsball, a joyous celebration on their commissioning?
As he sang, the lyrics became words. Advice.
He sat at a table in front of me, and they were in clear view.
I looked at their backs and heard
"希望她是真的比我还要爱你 我才会逼自己离开
我根本不想分开 为什么还要我用微笑来带过
你已经远远离开  我也会慢慢走开 为什么我连分开都迁就着你
我会学着放弃你是因为我太爱你"
The song I listened to everyday after we broke up, now ringing true again.
I thought this was the only scene I'd see on dramas but apparently it can happen too.
A ballroom of people, yet right in front of me, the love of my life with another girl.
With a song in the background with lyrics that are so apt.

I guess this was the direction.

Nothing else matters if she loves him as much as I do. It's not possible but at least she adores him.
She may be vile in all different ways, but at least she loves him.

There is nothing I can do.
I have won, but I didn't get the prize.
I will always win, but I will never get the prize.

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]